Looking Inside, by Tracy Helming, www.alimahdances.com

As a mom, I obsess with developing my children's minds. Academics and their trajectory towards rewarding, intellectually stimulating careers is at the forefront of my parental concerns. Why?

In my own life, I remember being pushed to work hard in school, remember hearing the stories of how I tested ahead of my grade, got into "accelerated" programs, engaged my teachers. I studied hard to get into good schools, practiced hard to get into good orchestras, studied, practiced, auditioned, studied, practiced, auditioned so that... I could stop it all 3 years ago and be a mom to my children. This gift, being a mother, is by far the most profound of life's experiences so far. It makes me feel at once completely unique in my love for my children, and at the same time part of a universal truth in which I am joined by millions of women around the globe. Yet, I feel the whiplash of jumping from the work of the mind and the career, into the work of the heart and of parenting that doesn't give me the external satisfaction of career accomplishment.

I wonder if this desire to develop the mind beyond the heart and soul is survival instinct. As a human race, we have survived because of our ability to think and reason, correct? No fur to keep us warm, limbs that are not quick enough to escape predators.

I am tearing myself away from career and external accomplishments in order to nurture and give this time in my life to my children. But, in 15 years, when they are moving on and out of my house, I don't want to be left with nothing but a fragile shell of my sense of self.

Just before my second pregnancy, I got my first real dance job in a restaurant. I had wanted this feverishly for 2 years. I had won two competitions in the hope of hoisting myself into a professional level gig. I got fired when the owner found out I was pregnant, so I decided to take the year to practice my dancing. I missed the restaurant, but ultimately really needed that year of training before I could possibly be ready to entertain the general public over dinner.

Now I am in a similar situation. I do perform professionally as a dancer, a musician, and as a teacher, but every time my sense of career goals rises, I run into the constraints of motherhood. So, instead of identifying myself through the development of a career, I am going to develop myself spiritually and emotionally. What used to be a career path may be bending toward a long journey inward.

I don't know how to begin, or what that which I am looking for will look like. I want to know what I am made of. I want to know how I connect to the rest of humanity, now and through the ages. I want to know what is unique and what is universal inside me. I want to know my motivations. I want to experience God. Is there a Wild Woman, a Goddess, the Holy Spirit within me? How do I house or connect with the Divine? What is the Divine? What makes me strong? Do I have fears? Dance will be a tool, but it is not an answer in and of itself. After 15 years of opening myself, searching, waiting, and loving, I hope that I will emerge from this journey with a strong sense of myself, and an enormous love for all that is around me. Just as I see enormous potential in my children, I see enormous promise in myself. Emptying myself of expectations, and opening myself to experiences that come by surprise instead of by design is going to be my mode of exploration.

I realize that the mind and the heart are linked. All of the years spent studying and practicing have developed my ability to appreciate beauty and nuance, as well as analyze, dream, think, and ponder. I will use these old tools to start a new journey.

Photoshoot with Michael Baxter, by Tracy Helming

Michael Baxter and I jumped in the Artist Circle for a marathon 11 hour photo session last Sunday. He is an artist and a kindred spirit. He has poured money into state of the art equipment and countless hours into the practice of capturing the movement and subtleties of the dance on film. At our last session together, we captured movements that had an external and dramatic focus. This time, I wanted to seek out more internal expression, transcend movement and explore the nuances of emotion and soul. And, though I wanted to get beyond the drama of the flying sequins, skirts, and veils, I did bring 14 costumes by Bella, works of art in fabric and beading that mesmerize, inspire, and weave stories all their own.

Instead of the normal belly dance CD and list of poses/movement ideas I usually bring to a photoshoot, I brought a CD loaded with the music of Beethoven and Prokofiev. There were a couple of middle eastern favorites to warm up and flavor my dance, but soon we put on the 2nd movement from Beethoven's "Eroica" Symphony (his third symphony, and the single piece of music attributed to the beginning of the Romantic Era of western music.) Honestly, any emotion I have ever or will ever feel I am sure I can find described in the music of Beethoven. The Adagio Assai was today's emotional map, followed by excerpt's from Romeo and Juliet by Prokofiev.

I also brought a list of concepts and intentions, instead of physical poses and moves. My list read like this:

1. ascending and descending angels
2. glances
3. chakras
4. surrender to the light
5. mystery
6. bareness
7. courage
8. beyond judgement

Here are a few of the ways we worked with this list:

Since the crash of Flight 1549 on the Hudson and the survival of all on board, stories of angels have been circulating, filling me with a sense of hope and the miraculous. The image of angels ascending and descending, connecting two worlds, continues to reappear in my mind. The contrary motion (use of simultaneous ascending and descending scales) of Beethoven's music paints a similar picture. I wanted to take this idea and try to capture the hope it inspires in my dancing.

Have you noticed how poignant a glance can be? We wanted to explore all angles from which a dancer can be seen, and also wanted to harness the power of connection that comes when eyes meet. I suggested that Michael walk and move around me, and I would walk and dance around him. Every once in a while our eyes would meet, and that would be our photo. I found it energized and captured spontaneous emotion, and revealed inner mysteries. I felt like the Mona Lisa. Of course, glancing away gives an interesting taste as well. These photos were especially satisfying.

I've written about the chakras as they relate to dance in an earlier post. We took the final 7 costumes to focus on the 7 chakras. I tried to allow the energy of the chakra to propel me to its natural manifestation and expression in dance.

Michael is a genius with lighting, and I always enjoy the fruits of his experiments. To work with the idea of "surrendering to the light" he came up with a few different lighting techniques. The first he called "Chiaroscuro", where he shot the photos at an angle across the white backdrop. The direction of the light created a sharply divided light and dark frame within the picture. I could step in and out of the light as I chose. There was also a beautiful effect of lighting with a huge soft box from behind with a fill light in front that was incredible. I could toss a veil overhead and it would absolutely glow, seemingly creating a light all it's own.

Bareness. We bare our souls and we bare our skin when we dance. Not only being comfortable but celebrating these two forms of vulnerability and bareness was a focus for part of the shoot. I would like to work further with this, as I realized in retrospect that this bareness also requires a comfort with stillness, and an abilitiy to be still, yet have energy and emotion flowing in and out of the body. Generally, now, I want to blend the emotional with the physical, and be able to have soulful, energetic stillness.

As for going beyond judgement, that is still a tough one for me. I am not sure how it manifests itself in my dancing, but I do know that seeing myself through my own eyes, and not through how I believe others perceive me, is one of the healthiest paradigm shifts I am making in my life.

Images from this photo session may be found on my website: http://alimahdances.com/photogallery.php

Judgment, by Tracy Helming, www.alimahdances.com

I went to the opera by myself last night. Having held subscription tickets since moving to Seattle, this was approximately the 40th opera I've attended here. For years, opera goers were always treated to some unbidden exit music by a little man and his tuba. His pitch was obscure and meandering, but his tone followed us for blocks. I never stopped to listen, didn't put money in his case, didn't even notice that he always donned a creative and colorful hat for his performances. He and his music were not there last night, nor will they ever be again. He died in November. I cried and cried last night as I realized that over all of those years I had only noticed that his intonation needed work, but not that his perseverance was monumental, or that he was pouring his heart through his music out to each person in the crowd.

This is not the first time I've realized too late that I had missed the real beauty of an individual because I had been preoccupied with my judgment of them. I used to work closely with a Suzuki violin teacher who was literally world famous. She taught workshops all over the country, and had a flock of students that were devoted to her. We used to hold recitals together, choosing students each month to perform. Did I really spend each recital comparing the various merits of each student, stacking up the abilities of their teachers in comparison? Our teaching styles and methods were very different. I loved Yuko, but still there was that nagging, perpetual judgment that kept me from fully enjoying, appreciating, and embracing who she was.

What is this judgment? What is it doing to my life? How would I be different without it?

I had a dream a couple of months ago. At that time in my life, I was debating going to law school, or returning to my career in music. The dream took place in an old sun bleached mill where I was attending a music festival. A friend of mine (who is a lawyer in real life) came and visited me at the music camp, as well as my husband's Aunt Sara Jo. They both told me that I really should see the therapist who owned the mill, a certain "Dr. Clinton" (yes, Bill and Hillary's long lost son!). I met him downstairs in a very dark room. We sat by a fire, across a table from each other. He told me to drink a glass full of ashes, which was a truth serum. After I drank it, he asked me, "What do you really want?" I woke up.

I believe that the truth serum of ashes is a call from my inner self to burn up the judgment I place on myself, the constant seeing of myself through other people's eyes. Only when I get rid of that vision of myself as I imagine other people see me will I be able to really see myself from my own perspective, and without judgment.

My husband attended Ed McMichael's (the tubist's) memorial service at Qwest Field, along with more than 1500 other quiet fans. What I didn't see in this man did reach the hearts and minds of many others who were open enough to appreciate his gift. I don't despair though. Today is a new day, and I begin it with a new vision of how I want to be, and a rubber band around my wrist for me to snap whenever judgment tries to take my vision away from what is really important.

Chakras in Belly Dance, by Tracy Helming, www.alimahdances.com

I was introduced to chakra dancing while taking a weeklong workshop with Tamalyn Dallal. She invited a dancer from Victoria named Taheya to lead us through the chakras, allowing the energy of each to guide and inform our movements. I was skeptical at first, but quickly became entranced. I glanced around the room and saw some of the most incredible dancing I’d ever encountered as everybody began moving in smoother more natural ways.

I am going to return to the idea of allowing the energy from the different charkas to guide my dance this week as I practice. Here are a few approaches I am taking:

TAQSIM: I've made a CD full of different instrumental taqsims. I dance to one taqsim for each chakra and am letting the energy from that chakra generate the movement. There is a great article on the chakras as they relate to belly dance on a dancer named Cinnamon Phoenix's website. I have taped this list of chakras (http://www.cinnamon-phoenix.com/chakras.html) onto my mirror. I read aloud about each chakra as I dance it, using the power of my voice to stay focused on the qualities of each chakra.

After I have danced through each chakra, and have danced through at least one piece assimilating them, I begin to think about how my dance relates to the music. Of course, we can dance in unison to the solo, letting the body imitate the rise and fall and rhythm of the musical line. But, it is also nice to create a counter-point to the music: a complimentary yet not imitative musical movement. I also experiment with contrary motion – moving in the opposite direction of the music. I try dancing just the phrasing: letting my movements follow the pacing and breath, question and answer of the musical solo, but not imitating the rhythm or melody. Finally, I decide on some moments in the music that I want to make sure I highlight. I clear the space around them by quieting or slowing my movements before and after, and allow the movements of the special spot to really pop out.

CHOREOGRAPHY: One of my big goals is to be able to really express myself through choreography. I have developed several choreographies (inspired by my costumes!) that I am working on. Here is how I am applying the chakra work to the choreography. I dance the choreography. Then I go back and dance it until I come to a place that I want to work on. I take that small moment or combination and work it in a different piece of music while focusing on how each of the charkas might propel the motion. After I’ve digested it for a while, I go back to the choreography and it always feels much freer and more natural after going through this process. I go onto the next snipit and work some more.

SHIMMIES – chakra shimmies! I am spending a piece of music on each chakra while I shimmy. I begin the shimmy and experiment with letting the chakra’s energy propel the motion. I try allowing images relating to the chakra, or emotions based on the chakra, or color, or shape of the chakra’s energy move me and explore different expressions and become comfortable with different shimmy movements. I play “warm or cold,” sensing whether the new movement and feeling is working for me or if I need to go in a different direction . I move in a new direction and see how it feels. I allow my body to move where it wants and not where I think it is supposed to go.

a new day, by Tracy Helming, www.alimahdances.com

I am taking the day off of thinking about dance in order to savor the optimism that President Obama's inauguration has given me. For the first time since becoming a parent, I actually believe that we have a chance at giving our children as much or more opportunity as we have enjoyed in our lifetime. I am going to reflect on President Obama's call to rely on the old values of "honesty and hard work, courage and fair play, tolerance and curiosity, loyalty and patriotism," as we enter into a "new era of responsibility." My biggest responsibility is to my children. I appreciate that he included the importance of nurturing a child in his list of ingredients for a new future.

Recent ideas I'm exploring, by Tracy Helming, www.alimahdances.com

In a session with Suzanna , I recently explored grading the size of my movements into 5 levels: level 1 being small, and level 5 being HUGE. I then began grading them in terms of intensity as well: level 1 being very soft, ephemeral, floating, and level 5 being extremely intense, muscular, gooey, and with great tension. I found that by controlling these two components, I could better fit the movement to the music. It also helped me balance the architecture of the choreography. This gradation has also been helpful in my drum solos, where I find that I often need to give the percussive motions a level 5 intensity, but keep my arms at level 1 or 3 so that they have life and lift but are clearly just back-up to the main attraction.

Suzanna and I also played around with accents. Here is my newest experiment: make the accents tell a story, but let the rest of my dancing be simply musical.

Here is a favorite excercise that comes from Manon . We call it Snapshots. While dancing, inject small, quick unexpected changes of emotion. Play around with using the emotional spectrum that does not get excercised much in the dance: surprise, fear, jealously, pride, rapture, fullness, hunger. Because it is just a snapshot, we found that it comes across as a fleeting little texture - enough to intrigue but not frighten the audience.

Finally, some words of wisdom from a zen master: let your body move where it wants to go, not where you think it needs to go.

Artist Circle, by Tracy Helming, www.alimahdances.com

I have been dancing for a while now, and I've noticed how the phases of my dance pursuit have evolved. I was a baby belly dancer, in love with everything and everyone for at least two years. Then, I started dancing in restaurants, continued to take many workshops and lessons, traveled, but somehow lost sight of the belly dance community surrounding me. About a year and a half ago, I started dancing together with a dance acquaintance: the beautiful Manon, who I had always admired and enjoyed, but had never really worked with. We began to get together to simply dance, practice, and search for means of heightening our artistic experience and expression through dance. We were looking for the Juice, in other words. Through this search we got to know each other's dancing more intimately, and this lead to really learning more about who each other was as a person, and this has in turn blossomed into a really fantastic friendship.

At the beginning of January, a woman who was another belly dance acquaintance called me and asked if I would consider getting together and just brainstorming about dance. Why not? So she came over, and we did just that: my turn, your turn, what inspires your movement? What do you think about when dancing? When practicing? What do you yearn for? Though we come from different dance backgrounds and styles, it was a wonderful collaboration, and I felt again that wonderful spark of friendship and community that comes out of women dancing for women.

I have done this several times now- I think of it as getting in the Artist's Circle (and that is Manon's beautiful term). It is a time to leave the stagename persona behind, and just communicate and explore together. It is not a "lesson", no exchanging of money for ideas. We learn together. There is rarely an itinerary for the trip, and there is always the possibility that the session will fizzle and that will be that. But, so far, it has yielded nothing but friendship and epiphanies.

Below are some of the ideas that have come out of these fruitful sessions. I invite you to try them out, and, if you like, email me ideas that have come out of your own Artist Circle endeavors. I will post them, along with a link to your website. It would be wonderful to extend the Artist Circle to all dancers who are moved to explore and share the beauty and artistry of Middle Eastern Dance.

Emails may be sent to: vlnhappy@hotmail.com. Enjoy!