Looking Inside, by Tracy Helming, www.alimahdances.com

As a mom, I obsess with developing my children's minds. Academics and their trajectory towards rewarding, intellectually stimulating careers is at the forefront of my parental concerns. Why?

In my own life, I remember being pushed to work hard in school, remember hearing the stories of how I tested ahead of my grade, got into "accelerated" programs, engaged my teachers. I studied hard to get into good schools, practiced hard to get into good orchestras, studied, practiced, auditioned, studied, practiced, auditioned so that... I could stop it all 3 years ago and be a mom to my children. This gift, being a mother, is by far the most profound of life's experiences so far. It makes me feel at once completely unique in my love for my children, and at the same time part of a universal truth in which I am joined by millions of women around the globe. Yet, I feel the whiplash of jumping from the work of the mind and the career, into the work of the heart and of parenting that doesn't give me the external satisfaction of career accomplishment.

I wonder if this desire to develop the mind beyond the heart and soul is survival instinct. As a human race, we have survived because of our ability to think and reason, correct? No fur to keep us warm, limbs that are not quick enough to escape predators.

I am tearing myself away from career and external accomplishments in order to nurture and give this time in my life to my children. But, in 15 years, when they are moving on and out of my house, I don't want to be left with nothing but a fragile shell of my sense of self.

Just before my second pregnancy, I got my first real dance job in a restaurant. I had wanted this feverishly for 2 years. I had won two competitions in the hope of hoisting myself into a professional level gig. I got fired when the owner found out I was pregnant, so I decided to take the year to practice my dancing. I missed the restaurant, but ultimately really needed that year of training before I could possibly be ready to entertain the general public over dinner.

Now I am in a similar situation. I do perform professionally as a dancer, a musician, and as a teacher, but every time my sense of career goals rises, I run into the constraints of motherhood. So, instead of identifying myself through the development of a career, I am going to develop myself spiritually and emotionally. What used to be a career path may be bending toward a long journey inward.

I don't know how to begin, or what that which I am looking for will look like. I want to know what I am made of. I want to know how I connect to the rest of humanity, now and through the ages. I want to know what is unique and what is universal inside me. I want to know my motivations. I want to experience God. Is there a Wild Woman, a Goddess, the Holy Spirit within me? How do I house or connect with the Divine? What is the Divine? What makes me strong? Do I have fears? Dance will be a tool, but it is not an answer in and of itself. After 15 years of opening myself, searching, waiting, and loving, I hope that I will emerge from this journey with a strong sense of myself, and an enormous love for all that is around me. Just as I see enormous potential in my children, I see enormous promise in myself. Emptying myself of expectations, and opening myself to experiences that come by surprise instead of by design is going to be my mode of exploration.

I realize that the mind and the heart are linked. All of the years spent studying and practicing have developed my ability to appreciate beauty and nuance, as well as analyze, dream, think, and ponder. I will use these old tools to start a new journey.